peace! :)
Rising like a dark night
In silence
Traveling like a broken boat
Heading for the sky
And I'm an island
I watched you disappear into the clouds
Swept away into another town
The world carries on without you
But nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days
The sun is in the east,
Rising for the beasts
And the beauties
I wish that I could tear it down,
Plant it in the ground to warm your face
I built myself a castle on the beach
Watching as it slid into the sea
The world carries on without you
But nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days
Until the last of days
Through walls and harvest moons
I will fight for you
The world carries on without you
But nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days
Until the last of days
- Music:the last of days - a fine frenzy
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.
And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
- Mood:
plotting
I feel real love. It's been in my heart all along.
I used to think it as a weed, a parasite;
but now I know it's a flower,
and it's stronger and growing rapidly,
surfacing between the cracks in the highway.
It is enduring; even with every tire
that tries to smash it back into the darkness.
Thriving, blooming, singing to the sky
and never faltering or doubting,
never judging or being judged.
Just living, and growing, and being free.
Its drinking the dirty water and breathing the polluted air
as if there was nothing wrong with them
and like everything will always be okay.
It will always be love.
Because as long as its love,
everything will always be okay.
Life has never been sweeter.
With Love,
Kate.
- Mood:
smitten
been up all night staring at you
wondering what's on your mind
i've been this way with so many before
but this feels like the first time
you want the sunrise to go back to bed
i want to make you laugh
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers i'm waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
happy to lay here
just happy to be here
i'm happy to know you
play me a song
your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue
paperweight on my back
cover me like a blanket
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers i'm waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
and no need to worry
that's wastin time
and no need to wonder
what's been on my mind
it's you
it's you
it's you
every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
and i give up
i let you win
you win cause i'm not counting
you made it back
to sleep again
wonder what you're dreaming
- Mood: optimistic
- Music:paperweight - joshua radin & schuyler fisk
Lots of things have happened in the past year that I haven't bothered writing in you... I think I need a little reprieve, and a little place to clear my head. Thank you for waiting so patiently for me, and for keeping my thoughts and secrets and memories safe within you. I reread them all, and was brought to tears several times - both happy, and sad.
I still love the boy from the first entry. Though from my most recent entry, which is almost a year old now, things have not improved much.
Where should I begin? In September, I got to see Cam again for a few days on my own. In October, I got to spend a week with him, and left a few days before Halloween. In November, Cam came down to visit with me for four or five days, and was with us on Thanksgiving. In December, Cam came up to visit for a few days in the end of the month, and was here for New Years. In January, he came down again for my mom's wedding. In February, I went up to see him and spent 10 days with him, thru my birthday and valentines day.
In march, we hit a bump in the road. We fought, we were angry, we were upset, our hearts were breaking, and I was being blindly lead off the trail of happiness with Cam. In March, he came down to visit for a week, and we broke up the last night he was here. He got on a plane the next day with tears in his eyes, and I stood back helpless, watching the light walk out of my life.
In April, we hardly talked at all. I missed him like crazy. I asked for him back in the third week of April, but he wouldn't have it. For a week I walked on eggshells, trying to convince him to come home to me.
After a long and grim battle, he decided to come back to me. My heart swelled and burst with happiness, and we were in bliss the entire month of May. In June, I went up to visit him for another ten days. He left for a week long trip to Costa Rica. I got to talk to him for a little less than an hour every night, and I started to feel myself begin to slip away.
The entire time he was gone, I missed him more than words can express. All the changes I had tried to make in myself were beginning to unravel, and I was more than afraid to bring it up to him. He would be discouraged and afraid if I did. I struggled to hold on to whatever was left of the new Kate, but things got worse as both of us got jobs and found less and less time to talk.
By middle July, I felt that all progress had been flushed away. I had scrambled for the pieces, but they slipped out of my hands and shattered. I cried myself to sleep for a week, afraid of what would become of us if I told Cam that I was having a hard time with myself and with my inner demons. I didn't want him to leave me, I never wanted him to leave me. I never wanted to be without him again.
On July 15th, my greatest fear came true. That was a week ago, and I have yet to hear back from him. My second greatest fears have been coming true since then - what if he never speaks to me again? Have I really lost our friendship?
Just so that I can keep a record, these are the events that were happening on my side of the spying glass that lead up to the second break up. It started on July 13th.
I called Cam on my way home from work. I was giddy, it was my last day of work for three days. Cam seemed a little bit concerned, or frusterated with me, even. When I got home, we talked about the trip we had been trying to plan together. He was frusterated, and I got upset and sad. He was punishing me for missing him, he was mad at me for wanting to see him sooner. I know that he has committments - is it really such a crime to miss my lover and want to see him?
The conversation ended somewhat bitterly, according to him. The next day, July 14th, I was feeling pretty sad and lonely. My friend Taney texted me and asked me what I was up to. I let him know that I was upset and lonely, and that I missed my boyfriend and that I needed to "just get away for a while." He offered to go with me to the movies, to distract my brain with something silly and childish - Wall-E. So I texted Cam immediately, and let him know that I was going with Taney to the movies. I gave him the perfect opportunity to display his discomfort, to ask me not to go, to ask me more questions. Nothing happened. The only text I got back was, "I love you and trust you ^^ <3" and then of course, "tell me how the movie is." No red flags went up in my mind. I texted Taney back and said I'd meet him there, and that not to expect it to be a date. He was perfectly okay with that, and texted me back that he never intended it to be a date, he has a serious girlfriend and he just wanted to be a friend and help me calm down a little.
I met Taney at the movies at 6:50, 10 minutes before the movie was going to start. We paid our own ways in, I bought my own drink/popcorn, and we went in to the theater. We picked a seat near a nice little family of children, sat down, and watched the movie. After the movie, I attempted to call Cam, but didn't get an answer. I was hungry, so was Taney. We went and grabbed some fast food, talked for a bit, and then we went on our own seperate ways. I arrived home 10 minutes earlier than I said I would be home, and I got home to discover Jeff on my computer, talking to Cam.
So I get on, and shoo Jeff off, and try talking to Cam. He seems unusually stiff. I ask him to talk about his feelings, and all of these feelings come flying out at me at once. I will admit that I was stunned, and somewhat insulted that he would think that I went on a date with another guy when I am so madly in love with HIM. So I put my guard up, which I should not have done, and tried to defend myself and my honor and intelligence.
When I got him calmed down, everything seemed to be running smoothly.
The next morning I sent him a text, a joke that I thought would maybe ease him a little bit. Turns out I was wrong, and he still had raw feelings about the other night. He took the joke too seriously and personally, and attacked me once again. Next thing I know, he calls me and tells me its time to break up and move on.
My heart has never wrenched as hard as it did when he said those words. I was so upset that I hung up on him, but I did try to call him right back after. No use. I texted him. No reply. From that moment on, I've been given the silent treatment.
I've sent him plenty of texts, email, and of course, unanswered phone calls. This upsets and infuriates me that for someone who tells me I was his best friend, that he would treat me like this. It is bad form to ignore anyone... Especially someone who you were romantically involved with and who cares deeply about you and who you claim to care deeply about.
My feelings, my pride, my intelligence, and my heart are all insulted and hurt.
I have given him opportunity over the past week to set things straight with me, or even just to call me to talk about anything. To text me, to IM me, anything. But what I've been given is nothing, except for a short e-mail that tells me not to try and win him back.
After a year and a half... I will not let go of this, over something like this.
He says that he broke up because I have "changed back into the old Kate." I have only been given 2 months to change? Nobody is perfect. Everyone who is trying to make change in their life will always accidentally revert back to the old ways. Its called mistakes, and slipping up. Instead of punishing me for them, I really wish he would pick me up, dust me off, and help me climb over it and improve and learn.
Instead, I was pushed down further into the dirt, got my nose rubbed in it, and then was locked outside in the heat with no food or water.
If it had been him who had taken the fall, God knows that I would've picked him up and held him and let him know that it's okay to make mistakes, because I love him and I care about him. I want him to accomplish his own goals, I want to help him get there. I would never punish him...
Maybe all of my old entries were right?
- Mood:
indescribable
I know we can overcome this. All couples fight sometimes, though it really was mostly my fault this time for overreacting.
I guess it's just my previous-relationship scars showing through again.
I decided it'd be good to list out exactly what I'm afraid of, from experience:
But we're fixing things. At least I'm trying to. He has enough on his mind already without having me freaking out on him all the time.
I honestly think I may be bipolar, I wonder if I should get it diagnosed and be put on meds to stabilize? Because I honestly have ultimate highs and ultimate lows..
- Mood: okay
- Music:Dead! - My Chemical Romance
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I love you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I love you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
After all this, why
Would you ever wanna leave it?
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I love you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I love you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
Blind - Lifehouse
- Mood:
crying - Music:blind - lifehouse
'Cause you're all I've got
Don't wanna lose you
'Cause it means a lot
All the joy this world can bring
Doesn't give me anything
When you're not here ...
Idiot me
Stupid fool
How could you be
So uncool?
To fall in love with someone who
Doesn't really care for you
It's so obscure...
But I feel...
Wonderful
Yes I feel...
Don't you know I feel...
Wonderful
God it makes me feel so blue
Everytime I think about you
All of the heat of my desire
Smokin' like some crazy fire
Come on here
Look at me
Where I stand
Can't you see my heart burnin'
In my hands?
Do you want me?
Do you not?
Does it feel cold baby?
Does it feel hot?
I wanna hold you
And be so held back
Don't wanna need you
But it's where I'm at
Thinkin' 'bout you every day
How come I was made that way?
It's so surreal...
But I feel... wonderful
Yes I feel ...
Don't you know I feel...wonderful
"Wonderful" - Annie Lennox
- Mood:
sleepy
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kathryniove- Katheryn
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